Distractions

I am supposed to be working on my GP (graduation paper) right now. Well I was supposed to be working on it since……. 9am this morning. Yet there have been so many distractions running around in my head that it’s been impossible to catch them all and put them away in boxes for a while until at least I have time to think about them.

Starting to think that embarking on this GP so early was the wrong choice. Ok not really just ‘starting’, I have been thinking about it for some time already but right now I’m really afraid to submit this subpar piece of crap because I know nothing good is gonna yield from it. And what’s the point of submitting something you know is mediocre and that is not gonna do any good for you? :/

I can’t even say okay let’s leave this up to God now, and what will be will be, because I know for myself that I haven’t been putting in the best efforts by myself, so who am I to ask Him to help me tide through this and make it a good piece miraculously? 

Going to write in to the school to see if I can just drop the project altogether. Chances are they’re going to say no… but I’m going to keep my hopes up.

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Of fleeting youths

Suddenly started thinking about life after schooling, and it scares me. We’ve been in this education system for more than 15 years now, and it’s going to be over in less than a year’s time. 

Suddenly I’m wondering if I’ve really made full use of my youth. I’m not ready to step into the corporate world, into a monotonous life with memories much less rich than schooling memories.

NTU definitely has given me a multitude of experiences and memories that I want to remember for life. Trying out new things like cheerleading, going on overseas adventure expeditions, hiking, staying up late till 6am to have heart-to-heart talks with friends… These are things that I’ll definitely dearly miss when I graduate. Hall life has been so fulfilling, and getting to know so many different personalities in one place is definitely something hard to achieve.

With hall prod recently concluded I think I may have just participated in the last major hall activity that I would ever participate in. And I’m lost. I don’t really have anything to look forward to anymore. Hall thirteen has really been my home away from home for the past three years. Though I may have drifted apart from some… They are still dear people to me. People that I’m glad to have known, people that I appreciate. Thank you for coming into my life.

I don’t know why I’m feeling so emotional right now but I’m really scared about the future. Thinking about going on exchange next semester makes me really excited, but at the same time I’m also scared about letting go of everything that I’ve worked for so far… The friendships that I’ve made… I don’t know if I’m ready to let go of everything and risk losing these people. 

Yet I know that if I don’t go, I’ll definitely regret it. 

Last year of university – what should I do?

Transparent People

Maybe 2013 is the year for real resolutions.

Time to be closer to God, to spend more time dwelling in Him, to pick up my bible (where is it…..), and to be more serious in my faith.

Also I am constantly reminded of my mom in this new year, whatnot with my aunt telling me about her (and also her persistence with ensuring that I have been saved – I finally told her that day that I had believed in Jesus since I was 9, she was so elated), and dreams that she and her sisters had about her. And the dreams were so real, like conversations with her as though she were right there with them, with us, in spirit. After that I couldn’t stop thinking that she was just among us, in our midst, and honestly that always scared me quite a bit. Even though I miss her dearly and really want to see her, I think I’d be really really scared and frightened if she did come to me one day. Maybe that’s why I haven’t had such dreams about her before, maybe I am creating my own barrier, or maybe she’s just silently protecting me, loving me, from that paradise which she now lives in. 

My aunt also told me the other day that God takes all the miscarriaged/unborn babies and nurtures them up in heaven, where they are reunited with their families when they pass on and go to heaven too. They are then presented by God to their parents/families, and of course they can’t recognize them, these beautiful souls brought up by God, but they are surely blood parents. And it is said that all these children are beautiful beyond description, more perfect than any other being on Earth. In some sense ain’t they lucky, to be able to skip this terrible life on Earth and go straight to paradise where God is their Father?

She then went on to remind me that my mom miscarriaged once (I was supposed to have a younger sibling) and hence she now has her child, also my brother/sister in heaven to accompany her for now, while we’re living our life out here. 

Today my stepmom passed me a bunch of my mom’s old cheongsams, that she bought on a family trip with my extended family to Malaysia. I picked out a few for myself, and I’m going to alter them and wear them this CNY 🙂 The rest will be going to my aunts, whoever wants them. I know they all want to keep things that belonged to her before, for keepsake I guess? 

My grandma also gave me a photo of my brother and I standing next to her casket during the wake… Not to be rude or anything but I really can’t stand looking at that picture. That’s not how I want to remember my mom. That’s not how I want to remember our faces – sad, lifeless, lost, not knowing what to do after our dear mom had left us. Why do people even take photos at such a time?!

I want to remember my mother as the bubbly, happy woman she was, talented, smart, lovely, loving, amazing and beautiful. I want to forget my regrets, of not treating her better at that time, for not appreciating her, for that adolescent rebel in me at that time, for snapping at her and all the organic and bland food we had to put up with without knowing that she was suffering so much… I’m not going to go any further because I said I want to forget all these, right? I just want to remember her for all the love that she has given to us, to the kindness she has shown throughout her life, to everyone she knew. I want to remember her for her life, for how she had lived, and not how she died, not the dark periods of her life.

Time to think more seriously about my future, about how I’m going to live my life. The way I see things, I really see the Phoons’ mom as a role model for myself. Living a good life, always smiling and happy, participative and supportive of her children’s activities, with a beautiful house, car, kids… Everything is so perfect!!!!!! I only wish to have 1/10 of all that. But the thought of work makes me want to dry up into a raisin work is so dull and so monotone and so boring and tiring and I’m going to lack sleep and grow wrinkles and everything I don’t want that to happennnnnnnnnn 😦 😦 😦 Plus the official retirement age in Singapore is now what, 65? That means I have to work for at least 43 years before I can retire and really enjoy life?! SERIOUSLY?! 

Na-uh, I’m not going down that dreadful path. I want to retire by the time I’m 40, latest!!!!! And at least spend some time while I’m still relatively young traveling, taking in the beauty of nature and the rest of the world, go on romantic getaways with my partner when my children are all capable of taking care of themselves… 

Well. While forming resolutions, we can dream, right?

Insecurities

What happens when even family tells you you’re not beautiful?

I hate the way I view myself. I hate the fact that I feel like I should always be trying to improve myself and the way I look, because I am so imperfect. How is it that I can see the imperfections of other people as a form of beauty, but not my own? How is it that I can see other people as all with their own beautiful flaws, but not myself? Why am I always trying to search for perfection and beauty? Why can’t I be satisfied with my own looks?

For this I blame society. Media. Friends. Peer pressure, influence, speech, all of which affect me in so many negative ways. As a friend recently (or rather, always) told me, my skin looks terrible, I ought to do something about it, get something done about it. That I am ugly, and that I used to be pretty, and he asks, what happened to you? Why you look like that?? 

Why I look like that? 

Do you think that I’d WANT to look like that? Pimples all over my face? Fair as hell and looking like I’m suffering from leukemia?! (Which is what another friend just told me approximately about an hour ago) how is it possible for me to feel good about myself with people talking about me in this sort of manner? Even though I laugh it off in their presence and really try to smile… Deep down I wish I could just be a social recluse and hide from the world, so they’d stop labeling me like as if I were an outsider, a monster, one that’s too different from the rest of society and needs to be changed.
Why do they even think in these ways in the first place? Social perceptions in the media of what’s beautiful is always channeling what’s on the outside, and never something on the inside. I’m glad my bf is not like that, I know he loves me for who I am because he can take hideous photos of me and still love me. But I take a look at those photos and become disgusted at myself – disgusted at the monster that I am. I cannot even stand the way I look. I wish I was beautiful like all those other girls even though I know I am not, and my “pretty moments” are only when I have vast amounts of makeup on and barely look like who I am. 
I hate that I hate myself. I wish I didn’t think this way, but I do. I do. It’s the sad truth about this world, that we are all superficial creatures, looking for benefits for ourselves. Even in what we see. Nobody wants to look at ugly people. Nobody wants to have an ugly friend. Hell no. 
 
I just hope that I can see myself more positively. And find out what makes me beautiful, perhaps? To stop thinking about what imperfections I have but instead what my redeeming qualities are? 

KOHARU HUGGED ME

The past two days have been really good. 🙂

Attended the Swaggout 3 showcase last night, and it was nothing short of inspiring. Loved watching the dancers do their thing and groove to the music. The groovy pieces were my personal favourites, can’t wait to get my ass back down to dancing after the exams are over!! Need to work on my grooooooove and souuuuuuul. 😀 Highlight of the night was definitely KOHARU AND THE KIDS!!!!! Loved loved loved mega loved the choreography and as usual, they. Are. INSANE. I cannot stand it everytime they have such tight controls then they just melt into that sensual goodness…

Watch this! It’s my favourite routine from her: [EDIT] I pasted the link from YouTube but I don’t know why it led to this link of hers instead! 😦 it’s okay, you can scroll through her videos from her channel there then. ^^ My favourite is her Cocaine (by Robin Thicke) piece ❤ [/EDIT]

My favourite kid, Mahina, is dancing in there too ❤ That girl’s only 11! And Koharu herself is only 20!! Such an amazing and inspirational choreographer at such an age omg I was SO excited to finally meet her!! She has been my idol since ^THAT. Amazing. Amazing. Amazing.

Obviously the fangirl in me would NEVER give up the chance for a photo with her, so we took a few with the kids, and one with the whole gang! *starstruck moment*

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Such inspiration! Really makes me wonder what I’m doing with my own life sometimes. People out there living their dreams, and I’m making my dream into a little side hobby. :/

TODAY! Was spent out in the CBD studying (abit) and really just leaving campus for a while. Felt good, the day was good, we had amazing food you can find about here, which is a new food blog I’ve set up! Heh heh. Now it’s back to hall and I’ve really gotta finish my essay tonight, so it’s bye for now!