Transparent People

Maybe 2013 is the year for real resolutions.

Time to be closer to God, to spend more time dwelling in Him, to pick up my bible (where is it…..), and to be more serious in my faith.

Also I am constantly reminded of my mom in this new year, whatnot with my aunt telling me about her (and also her persistence with ensuring that I have been saved – I finally told her that day that I had believed in Jesus since I was 9, she was so elated), and dreams that she and her sisters had about her. And the dreams were so real, like conversations with her as though she were right there with them, with us, in spirit. After that I couldn’t stop thinking that she was just among us, in our midst, and honestly that always scared me quite a bit. Even though I miss her dearly and really want to see her, I think I’d be really really scared and frightened if she did come to me one day. Maybe that’s why I haven’t had such dreams about her before, maybe I am creating my own barrier, or maybe she’s just silently protecting me, loving me, from that paradise which she now lives in. 

My aunt also told me the other day that God takes all the miscarriaged/unborn babies and nurtures them up in heaven, where they are reunited with their families when they pass on and go to heaven too. They are then presented by God to their parents/families, and of course they can’t recognize them, these beautiful souls brought up by God, but they are surely blood parents. And it is said that all these children are beautiful beyond description, more perfect than any other being on Earth. In some sense ain’t they lucky, to be able to skip this terrible life on Earth and go straight to paradise where God is their Father?

She then went on to remind me that my mom miscarriaged once (I was supposed to have a younger sibling) and hence she now has her child, also my brother/sister in heaven to accompany her for now, while we’re living our life out here. 

Today my stepmom passed me a bunch of my mom’s old cheongsams, that she bought on a family trip with my extended family to Malaysia. I picked out a few for myself, and I’m going to alter them and wear them this CNY 🙂 The rest will be going to my aunts, whoever wants them. I know they all want to keep things that belonged to her before, for keepsake I guess? 

My grandma also gave me a photo of my brother and I standing next to her casket during the wake… Not to be rude or anything but I really can’t stand looking at that picture. That’s not how I want to remember my mom. That’s not how I want to remember our faces – sad, lifeless, lost, not knowing what to do after our dear mom had left us. Why do people even take photos at such a time?!

I want to remember my mother as the bubbly, happy woman she was, talented, smart, lovely, loving, amazing and beautiful. I want to forget my regrets, of not treating her better at that time, for not appreciating her, for that adolescent rebel in me at that time, for snapping at her and all the organic and bland food we had to put up with without knowing that she was suffering so much… I’m not going to go any further because I said I want to forget all these, right? I just want to remember her for all the love that she has given to us, to the kindness she has shown throughout her life, to everyone she knew. I want to remember her for her life, for how she had lived, and not how she died, not the dark periods of her life.

Time to think more seriously about my future, about how I’m going to live my life. The way I see things, I really see the Phoons’ mom as a role model for myself. Living a good life, always smiling and happy, participative and supportive of her children’s activities, with a beautiful house, car, kids… Everything is so perfect!!!!!! I only wish to have 1/10 of all that. But the thought of work makes me want to dry up into a raisin work is so dull and so monotone and so boring and tiring and I’m going to lack sleep and grow wrinkles and everything I don’t want that to happennnnnnnnnn 😦 😦 😦 Plus the official retirement age in Singapore is now what, 65? That means I have to work for at least 43 years before I can retire and really enjoy life?! SERIOUSLY?! 

Na-uh, I’m not going down that dreadful path. I want to retire by the time I’m 40, latest!!!!! And at least spend some time while I’m still relatively young traveling, taking in the beauty of nature and the rest of the world, go on romantic getaways with my partner when my children are all capable of taking care of themselves… 

Well. While forming resolutions, we can dream, right?

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